"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’" - Luke 15:20-24
Everyone who has hit the point in their life where they decide to turn towards Christ, and persevere by carrying their cross with him, has a story of redemption to tell. Their own personal account of "The Prodigal Son". I have few gifts that I can offer to the service of Christ- I'm not an educated theologian, a priest, a cleric or a minister. I have little musical talent to speak of, and as for public speaking... well, the jury's still out on that one!
And yet I'm called to be in service to Christ. So, what do I have to offer Christ, to help spread the good news to the world? As is so often the case, I found the answer in the Bible:
"The man from whom the demons had gone begged that he might be with him, but Jesus sent him away, saying, “Return to your home, and declare how much God has done for you.” And he went away, proclaiming throughout the whole city how much Jesus had done for him." - Luke 8:38-39
The answer is this: the story of how I was saved by Christ. Let there be no confusion, however. This is not my life story- this is not an autobiography. Of course, many things from my life will be described in the following witness account, but they purely serve the purpose of creating context and providing evidence of the internal change as I turned towards Christ. You will get a full, in-depth picture of my character before I accepted Christ, in order that you can observe the dramatic change of my personality once I let Jesus in.
And this is not MY story. Although it did happen to me, this is really the story of a forgiving God, who waited for half a lifetime for one lost sheep to turn back to him. So, you could say that, although it is not my life-story, it is certainly the story of my life.
Until now the events that took place between myself and Christ have been a private tale, with occasional snippets released to family, friends, fellow Christians, or anyone I met who showed an interest in talking with me about Christ. Now, the time has come to write down my testimony and make it public. It should be remembered that Christ's transformation of a man's personality from a desperate and lonely slave of sin to a joyful and fulfilled servant of Christ has been told countless times before, and I'm sure will be told many, many times after mine. This story is far from unique- such is the glory and kindness of God.
The power of a word:
As with all writers, I'm sensitive to the reality that my words could be misinterpreted. Words are the chosen form of transportation for our journey from the tangible to the abstract, and back again. From the moment an arrow is placed on the bowstring to the second it sticks in the bullseye, tiny details effect its trajectory. There's the archer's aim, how far he pulls back the string, how smoothly he releases the arrow, how strongly the wind is blowing in any direction... all of these will ultimately dictate whether the arrow sticks in its target, or misses it altogether.
The same is true with words. As soon as it its written or said, it begins its journey towards a final conclusion. This may be a long voyage over several pages, or a short trip of a few words. Either way it's of key importance that the meaning that they are meant to portray is 1) pinpoint accurate, and 2) not interfered with too much along the way. This interference with a word's journey towards its final conclusion is what we call "misinterpretation".
So, in order for me to assist right from the get-go with your ability to make a straight line from the word that you read to the idea that you understand, I have begun this testimony with a list of things that I, the author, and the testimony itself, are NOT. With any luck, this will eliminate any and all possibilities for misinterpretation, and increase the chance of smooth and accurate understanding throughout your reading. I would also advise you to refer back to this list frequently, so that its effect on your understanding of what you read remains fresh, and doesn't fade.
The things I am not:
I am not a teacher and this is not an academic study, analysis or educational source for the facts about Christ or the various beliefs in Him. Far more qualified and able people than I are able to teach you more about the life and works of Jesus. Many talented writers and scholars, intellectuals, preachers, and a number of musicians from all denominations spend their lives studying Christ, and use their ministry to educate people about the facts of Christ. I, on the other hand, am a man who, until a few years ago, was uninterested in following Christ, and so have neither the experience, the knowledge nor the insights to preach my beliefs as absolute fact, especially not about such a divine figure as Jesus Christ. If you're interested in educating yourself and making your own conclusions (as I did), then first and foremost I recommend getting yourself a good Bible (and if you've got a kindle, you can download one for free- try to get a "study" bible, which you can make highlights in), and dedicating a little time everyday to reading and learning from it. I recommend you start with the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John). The Bible (especially the Gospels) is the foremost source of the life of Christ that we have- the word of God- and its daily value in the life of a Christian cannot be overstated.
In addition, for those of you who want further help understanding what you read in the Bible, I recommend "The Life: A Portrait of Jesus" by J. John and Chris Walley, as well as the New Daily Study Bible book series by William Barclay. I found them to be pertinent to my interpretation of the actions and words of Christ in the Gospels.
I am not a preacher, and this is not a theological or religious analysis of Christ or the Bible. Nor is it a discussion forum for Christian morality. Among other reasons, I feel myself totally under-qualified to expertly dissect or explain issues or questions that arise in everyday Bible study or Christian theology, and even less sure about doing so on such an easily misinterpreted and casual medium as a blog. Incidentally, if you are interested in learning more about contemporary Bible analysis and interpretation, you will find a wide range of Christian themes, stories, pieces of wisdom and messages at:
www.christianbiblereference.org
There, you can read in-depth analysis of the wisdom of Christ, the official status on moral issues from the major Christian denominations in the U.S., as well as well-balanced and keen interpretations of the themes and messages of the Bible, which portray the views of most denominations in a series of non-biased and well-rounded summaries. I have visited the site frequently over the last few years, and I have found it an invaluable source of strength and understanding to sustain my own attitudes in Christ.
Our conclusions:
What this IS is a testimony- a witness statement to the events which happened to this author in the past, and to the continued effects that it has to this day. It is, as all testimonies should be, a true and accurate account of the facts as seen by the witness. My job as the witness and author is to deliver you the facts to the best of my recollection and knowledge.
However, at least one, if not several personal conclusions must be drawn from any testimony given. . So, the facts themselves as they are told to you are both objective, in the sense that there was a visible and real change within me over the course of a few years, and subjective, in the sense that I believe them to be the ongoing work of Jesus Christ in my life. The conclusions that I drew from them at the time, and continue to hold true today, I firmly maintain as true.
But that doesn't change the fact that you, or anyone, may create alternative, misshapen or completely different conclusions from hearing my testimony. You may reach different conclusions to me- you may figure out what you perceive to be a more 'logical' explanation for the transformation that took place. You may even dismiss them altogether. And I have no power over that at all- I cannot force you to make a conclusion that is against your will to make. Whether or not your conclusions agree with mine is, ultimately, out of my hands. Although this is a testimony, and although its aim is to provide evidence for the power that Jesus Christ can have in our lives, whether you accept this as evidence or not has always been, and will always be, between you and God.
However, in order that you are able to make decisions based on the facts, allow me to expose to you some things which I think will be important when you are forming your final conclusions. That way, having been presented with all the facts of the story, the onus will be entirely on you, the reader, as the whether or not you believe what you have read.
Background:
The following points must be remembered throughout.
On the one hand... this is not medical advice. I have never been formally diagnosed with addiction, I have never had to seek medical or psychological help in order to alleviate the effects of the addictions I had. In fact, in comparison to the struggle that many people go through everyday, my vices were relatively mild. The point is that, and I must be clear on this, I will not be discussing views on either side of the medical world vs spiritual healing debate. I will not be expressing my own views on such topics. As previously stated- I will be detailing the facts of the change which I experienced, my own conclusions on the cause and own-going effect of that change, and that is it.
I have previously stated that I am not a preacher, and am simply under qualified to preach such a mixture of facts and interpretations as being "gospel truth", and so all I can tell you is 1) what happened, and 2) how I interpret the effects, and what they mean to me as an individual. By no means should anything you read here be treated as advice for or against modern medicinal treatments or counselling, or for or against spiritual healing. I am not a psychiatrist, I am not a doctor, and I am not a faith-healer. You will read some detailed personal analysis throughout this testimony, and it's quite possible that some of the things you read about may apply to you. My responsibility to tell you the facts is balanced by your responsibility as the reader to make your own conclusions based on sound judgement, your personal situation, and your spiritual relationship with Christ.
On the other hand... I cannot lie or water-down the truth- my service to Christ dictates that when recounting my testimonial to His work within me, it's of absolute priority that the truth prevails. I must make a stand- there comes a point for everyone testifying to the work of Christ when he must draw the line between conjecture and what he believes to be true based on compelling evidence. I want to impress on you how convinced I am that it was Christ's intervention in my life that changed me- that is the objective of this writing. Without that key aim, the entire purpose of this testimony is lost.
The first conclusion that I want you to take away from reading this testimony is "This man believes that Christ changed him". If I can get you that far, then I've started well. Of course, the second conclusion I would like you to make is "... and I also believe that Christ changed him!". However, this second one is a much more difficult one to attain. As previously stated, the conviction of my writing can only go so far- at the end of the day, it will be your decision as to whether you make the second conclusion or not.
The three parts of this testimony:
My testimony is divided into the following time periods.
The old:
The first and longest of these periods covers the time from my early teens until the age of 26. This time of my life can be referred to as my "pre-Christ" stage, and details the early stages of what would come to be known as my personality at the age of around 11 or 12, and the subsequent 14 year period that followed. Of course, there was development before this age, much of which contributed largely to the birth of the attitudes and ideas that I would carry within me from my pre-teen years until my mid-twenties, but I've chosen to start at this age as it's the earliest recognisable stage which I can remember in which the man that I would be for over 14 years can be seen to emerge. Throughout this 14-15 year period, the boy with the ideals deeply routed in his head grew up to be the teen who had attitudes towards the world, and these attitudes lead towards actions which would come to confirm and define my very character as a man.
The conflict:
26 was an important moment in this story (specifically 26 and 6 months), and it is at this moment that the second time period begins. As you have probably already gathered, this was the point where the spark of conversion was lit within me.
Despite the fact that I tell people "I was converted at the age of 26", in reality like most people, I cannot pinpoint my decision to start walking with Christ to one specific moment, or action, or event. It was a long and in a way confusing process, full of false-starts and failed beginnings, stretches of calm which lasted for months on end, but which were then shattered in a single day, or a tumultuous moment. However, 26 1/2 was when I experienced an upheaval within my life, and in retrospect I can clearly see that within this internal shake-up, the seeds of conversion were purposefully planted... where they waited patiently to be watered.
The future:
However, one final period, probably the most significant, must also be mentioned- and it starts around the time of my 29th birthday. A wise woman once told me that a Christian who is on the path towards true reconciliation with God should not be the same today as they were three months ago, or the same in three months time as they are now. True self-improvement and living for Christ can only be verified by a profound, noticeable and CONSTANT change within the individual. If it were not so, then in what way have you truly left the old self further and further behind? Not only must a change occur once- that "one-time change" is what I call the "spark of conversion"- but it is meant to ignite a fire within you. And that fire- that love, devotion and passion towards serving Christ- is meant to burn non-stop, and to be more powerful within you every day.
But like a fire, it is sometimes unpredictable- at times, it can appear to be kindling away calmly, and then suddenly it can burst forth unexpectedly with an overwhelming energy. Around the day I turned 29, I experienced a huge and unprecedented leap in terms of my dedication towards Jesus.
The message being this: that although change within me began half way through my 26th year and continues, God willing, to today, it is only since about the time of my 29th birthday that it has taken a dramatic incline upwards towards a new level of devotion. Still far from perfect, and every day continuing to fight the many scars that my old nature left behind, it can be confidently stated that this latest period of my life has been the closest that I have felt to God so far. It's significance is displayed in the fact that it is in this period that I was inspired, patient and motivated enough by Christ's grace to write down my testimony.
The interpretation of Bible passages:
As you will discover as you read this testimony, the Bible has played a vital and ongoing role in my knowledge of Christ, my interpretations of God's message, and the spiritual strength that these have provided throughout the years. To write this testimony without any direct quotes from the Bible would be utterly misleading- it has, after all, been my daily source of inspiration and strength from almost the beginning of my conversion. However, we return to the issue previously mentioned about the power of a word. Any kind of quotation from the Bible will inevitably be accompanied by an interpretation of its meaning. Interpretation is present in all contexts, from a minister preaching in church to a person opening the Bible for the very first time. And these may range from being a popular interpretation, or an utterly unique one. It may be a well-received message, or it may even be a hugely unpopular one.
Nevertheless, an interpretation it remains. Everyone has the right to an opinion as to what a passage means. On the other hand, of course, one must be careful- so powerful are these tiny seeds of knowledge that one planted carelessly could result in an attitude that was never meant to be becoming part of someones very character. So, while we are free to interpret as we wish, we are also cautioned to be honest with ourselves about what we really think a passage is trying to say- to listen with the wisdom of God, and to judge with a sound mind that is set on the commandments of Christ, lest we become even more lost.
The point being this: Bible-passage reference is pertinent to this story, as is the detailing of my interpretations of those passages. This testimony will be filled with both what Christ said and did in the Bible and explanations of how I understood them, as they are the very bricks and mortar of the new life that Christ created for me. I would ask you to keep an open mind when reading my interpretations and, even if you find yourself disagreeing with them, to show love towards me as your neighbour, as I would do towards you as mine.
Furthermore, at the start of each chapter there is a Bible passage. The point of this passage is to show God's answer to the issues that I describe in the chapter. For example, the first chapter is all about my pre-teen anxiety, and so it begins with one of the Bible's answers for me on how to overcome fear. Each passage, which is good news, is what I would have told my younger self in each chapter of my life, if I had had the chance. The contrast between the good news above and the horrors described below is meant to highlight the differences between my old self without Jesus, and my new self with Him. However, a couple of points must be mentioned.
Firstly, I would like to reaffirm my status as a witness to Christ's work, and NOT as a preacher, minister, or teacher of the word of Christ. It must be remembered that my interpretations are those of one man- they are my personal understanding of the words spoken to me.
This leads me to my second point, which is that you, as a child of God with free-will, have the freedom to disagree with my interpretations. I am not here to discuss Bible meaning or understanding- I am writing this so that through my account, you yourselves can see the work that Jesus performed in me. Your own judgement will then be, now and always, your personal decision.
The title, "The Path Uphill"
I eventually settled on the title "The Path Uphill" as I've discovered that living for and serving Christ is, for most of us, an uphill challenge which I very much enjoy.
As you'll see when you read more of this testimony, my life before I truly turned to Christ, got to know Him and follow Him was dominated by my constant and daily desire to do the will of my passions- all of them being selfish in nature and also harmful, either to myself or to others. Worse still- there were A LOT of them. But don't feel sorry for me just yet- I was the one who let them in in the first place! I chose to listen to them from a young, impressionable age, and act out their will for my daily life, because they were the easy option. They were the "downhill path".
And so, once they realised what an easy target I was, they visited more frequently. I had made them feel comfortable and welcomed within me. They would knock, and I would open the door to them. And everyday, as soon as I woke up, I chose to go where they told me. They were powerful and convincing, and in every real sense I was their slave.
And for a long time, I made no effort to resist them. For years, I saw no reason to- I was blind to the effects they were having on me, and therefore on those around me. And worse than being blind, I didn't want to see. But as I grew older, I started to realise that they were wrong, but it was already too late for me alone to do anything about it alone- they already had such a powerful hold of me, and had formed a club within me, which became known as my personality. That personality, it won't surprise you to learn, was greatly flawed. On the few occasions when I DID try to fight against them, my resistance was short-lived, easily squashed, and I was left humiliated in my defeat.
In hindsight, I can see why none of these efforts to resist worked- what was required was a systematic alteration of my entire personality- my whole being and self. That boy, and then that man, who was and who did those things, who gave in to those basic desires and urges on a daily basis and who, whether he wanted to or not, took the downhill path every time... he had to die.
But like every good story, this one has a hero. I was rescued from my sin, and this testimony is the story of that rescue.
A final word:
On that note, I urge you to read this testimony with an open heart and mind. I have tried to be as honest and transparent as I can about the details of my life as they refer to my conversion, in order that you can have a clear view of the way I was in the past, and the way I am now... and most importantly, WHY this radical change occurred. It is my responsibility, out of respect for the reader, but even more-so out of my duty towards Jesus Christ, that I give an honest account of what I witnessed in order that these events may lead you to understanding the effect that Christ has had in my life. Once you understand that, it will be up to you as to how you apply this knowledge to your own life.
I wish you all the best in your reading, and I pray that Christ's voice speaks to you throughout.
Philip Raymond
